Thoughts and Memories
by Mabfefe
Summary: There once was a time that Castiel and his brothers, Lucifer and Gabriel, considered themselves close. Gods creation of man changed that and Castiel, surrounded in silence, is left with nothing, but those memories to think of.


It was quiet in the sleazy motel room that seemed like all the others; the same fading and peeling wall paper, the same dirty, lumpy and overused beds and the same too thin to be consider 'soundproof' like the brochure claimed, walls. It was here that the Winchester duo slept, covers askew and limbs hanging over the rather small mattresses. Castiel sat in the armchair that was closest to the window, the moonlight striking him softly as the rain slowly fell upon the ground. His trench coat lay folded neatly on the table beside him, its tan color had turned that of a dark brown in the dim light while his tie hung with great care upon a hook meant for hats by the door. His vessel's mahogany hair was ruffled beyond repair as he let himself relax within the fake velvet cushioned chair. It was times like these, when the nights were rather quiet and he was left alone to contemplate, that he let his thoughts wander. He had heard somewhere once, from Anna as he recalled, that angels in all possibility have no way of truly feeling emotion. That it was quite utterly impossible. It was this thought that caused Castiel to think back to when his Father had first created man.

Heaven had once been a peaceful place. There had been no fighting, no bickering among brothers as there was now. Everyone was kind to each other; younger angels looked up to their elder brethren as they were taught the ways of the angels. God was their Father, ever present and never abandoning. It was when God created man that things began to fall apart at the seams. It was what seemed to be little less than a month after God had created man that Castiel found things were changing around him. In the beginning the angels had all been curious. They watched man grow and interact with their fellow men. Soon enough there were angels that questioned their Father who had told them that they were to bow down and worship His newest creation. Lucifer was, of course, among these few angels. Castiel could remember it so clearly...

_Lucifer and Castiel stood side by side looking down upon Earth. They were clad in nothing but white robes though, unlike how most imagined, they wore no halos and held no harps within their hands. Hair as blond as that of the dry sand upon a beach and as jagged as the sharpest of glass adorned the head of the tallest, while black hair like that of the sky at midnight and as long as that of a young raven's wings adorned the other. Castiel's eyes were filled with curiosity that was seen only in the most innocent of beings for he was to be, unbeknownst to both God and himself, the last of the angels. Lucifer, however, looked upon the humans as though they were nothing more than disgusting creatures that should be killed off one by one in the most painful of ways. _

_"Castiel..."Lucifer said to the younger angel waiting patiently for his reply. _

_"What is it that thou ask of Lucifer?" Castiel questioned looking up at his brother with utmost respect. _

_"What is it that thou doth see within these pitiful creatures?" the archangel inquired simply, a curious air about him. _

_"They are but God's creation. They were created in His image with that of free will. They are in all simplicity, fascinating." Castiel answered, a small smile adorning his face. _

_"Yes, Father gave them free will, but for what? All these filthy creatures do is fight over what they want and do not yet have." Lucifer retorted with a look of pure disgust etched into his features. _

_"You mustn't say things of that nature Lucifer. Thou wilt anger our Father. "He warned, concern for his brother leaking into his voice. _

_"Castiel there is something I must tell thee that is never to be voiced once more." The elder of them declared a tone of seriousness embedded within his voice. _

_So much so that all Castiel could do was nod in response. Lucifer knelt before his sibling, a thousand and one emotions flickering upon his face as crystal blue met dark chestnut, which Castiel would later learn that even within a vessel the eye color of an angel remained the same. Castiel could feel his heat beat quicken as he stared into the eyes of his brother. He dared not speak until spoken to, hoping with all hope that his brother would not speak of what Castiel knew he would say. _

_"I am planning to depart from Paradise Castiel, to rid the Earth of our Father's creations. I wish for thee to join in departure." It was uttered in a voice no louder than that of a whisper and Castiel let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. _

_"Please brother. Tell me that thou are, but being humorous as Gabriel so often can be in his ways." Castiel pleaded desperately. _

_Lucifer stayed silent as he knelt in front of Castiel and the younger knew that the archangel had been all too serious and honest in his statement that it was not to be a joke told so as to later be laughed over. Castiel could feel the tears slowly well within his eyes. _

_"I do not lark with thee my dear brother. I speak in all integrity." This was all that he had to say for Castiel to let the first of many tears fall as he replied in a much broken voice. _

_"Then...I must turn away from thy offer kind brother...for thou hath become wicked in thy ways and faith..." Castiel replied the tears falling slowly down his face as he spoke words he never in his everlasting life had wished to speak. _

_He could see his brother's face harden if only slightly before the other's arms were wrapped tightly around him in a warm embrace and a kiss was placed gently upon his forehead. _

_"I wish thee well brother in what ever thou doth seek." Were his brothers parting words as he left with but a rustle of his ever glorious wings._

Castiel was left standing at the gates of heaven the following day, watching with grief as his elder Michael **banished** Lucifer out from Paradise under direct orders from **Him**. It was when the gates did close that Castiel realized things were not to get better in the days to come. After Lucifer was banished and declared a fallen angel, Michael soon went into a gusto of proclaiming himself to be all powerful as he was created in God's image in everyway. The six archangels left in Heaven, seemed to be constantly bickering. Though Gabriel seemed more content to leave the remaining five to bicker amongst themselves. It was in this way that Castiel learned of Gabriel's plans to leave Paradise, but for a different reason...

_Castiel sat behind Gabriel amongst luscious greenery as the archangel unfolded his wings which were a bright, heavenly white and let them out to their full extent, thus allowing Castiel to groom said wings with special care. It was when the younger had worked his way to almost finishing with the right wing that Gabriel chose to speak._

_"Castiel..."Gabriel started waiting for a reply, his golden locks hidden by his massive wings. _

_"What is it that thou ask of Gabriel?" Castiel answered instinctively as he continued grooming. _

_It was when he had uttered said words that Castiel, nothing more than an angel of Thursday, did realize what was to be and in his heart he felt something break and shatter, the noise left to echo within his ears. He was taken from his thoughts by a snap of the archangel's fingers and the worry embedded within his elder's tone of voice. _

_"Castiel, is all fine with thee?" Gabriel inquired his emerald green eyes full of concern. _

_"Thou are to be departing Paradise as well I presume?" he replied accusingly. _

_Gabriel stayed quiet and when no answer was given Castiel knew in his heart of hearts that what he had said was true. _

_"Castiel..."Gabriel started once more but was cut off by the younger of the two. _

_"No, thou are not to make a mockery of I! Thou wilt leave on swift wings without the least of goodbyes and leave me but to wallow in misery and heartache at your departure. Just so that thou may bring disgrace upon us and wreck havoc upon our Father's creation. Thou are but as __**vile**__ as thy brother, Lucifer." Castiel said, his tone meaning to be spiteful but only succeeding in sounding broken and raspy. _

_"Castiel it is not for what thou doth think! It is the bickering and the hatred that hath thrown me to my knees in weakness. I wish not to leave thee but I __**must**__ or I shall grow sick in both body and in mind! Please my brother do believe in my word, that I wish not to leave thee for the sake of leaving thee, but for mine own heath in great regard! " Gabriel pleaded with his younger brother and Castiel could do nothing but whisper his understandings as he tried with every ounce of power left within him not to break down in front of the archangel as he did the former. _

_"I thank thee my brother. I thank thee from my heart of hearts." Gabriel whispered as he placed a gentle and caring kiss upon Castiel's forehead in much the same way that his predecessor had done before him._

_Then in a way that was all familiar to him, Gabriel left quickly, telling Castiel to trust in his decisions wherever they may lead him, except he had no goodbye speech or crowd to watch his departure. All Gabriel had was his youngest brother standing by the gates of Heaven, the same one he had taught to fly, letting the broken pieces of his heart fall where they may._

Castiel was taken from his thoughts as Dean awoke from his slumber with a loud thump, having managed to roll off the bed. Dean's yelp of surprise followed by his groan of pain had the angel at his side in mere fractions of a second.

"Is everything alright with you Dean?" Castiel found himself asking as he helped Dean back up on the bed, ignoring all irony he found in have stated the inquiry.

Dean just waved him off before lying down fully and rolling over, slumber once again taking hold. Castiel was left to stare at Dean's slumbering body for a few moments more before resigning himself back to the chair that he had previously been in. His thoughts were left to run wild again and Castiel found himself thinking once more. He thought of Lucifer and how different he was yet how little he had changed. He thought of how spoiled the archangels had been by their Father. How similar angels were to humans, now matter how much Lucifer may have disliked it. How he had thought his brother Gabriel to be **dead** for so long only to find him hiding behind the guise of a Trickster. How no matter how many years had passed he kept his promise to Lucifer, never once uttering a word of how he had almost been recruited for the very cause he was fighting against. Castiel shook his head as though doing so would rid him of his thoughts. He cast one last look at the boys sleeping peacefully, wishing that he himself could do the same, before once again staring out the window as the rain cascaded down. It was a lie, that angels cannot conceive emotion. Though it was times like these that Castiel wished he could.

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I do not own anything pertaining to Supernatural. Enjoy!


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